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I reckon either the Knights or Queen’ll be the first to arrive. They’re all massive partygoers. The Knights’ll jump over anyone who gets in their way to get to one. Queen, she’ll go anywhere for a knees-up. She’s such a diva, but, then, she’s got the wherewithal for it. As for the Bishops, they’re hard to pin down, zigzagging all over the place, so there’s no knowing when they’ll get here. King’ll probably be last, though – he’s a slow mover, if he can move at all. Good job the Castles watch his back.

Once they’ve all arrived and we’ve had a little lubrication we’ll have the evening’s main event – we’ll watch our late lamented friends’ performances in a selection from my collection of Pawn videos.

Christopher Bellamy